The first time Joe Massa focused his lens on the devastating topic of suicide, he was a Southern Connecticut State University documentarian creating a film festival entry. He and his producing-partner brother picked their topic somewhat randomly for a 2016 contest seeking public-awareness-themed films.
The next time he turned on his camera to explore suicide, it was unexpectedly more personal. The Greenwich resident was working in a restaurant when his festival film project came up, and a bartending co-worker confessed to Massa matter-of-factly, “You know, I tried to kill myself once.”
Kev Moore
Kev Moore’s struggles with depression and suicidal thoughts began at a young age after he was sexually molested by a stranger. To cope with his depression, he turned to drugs and alcohol, which only fueled the depression more. At his lowest, Kev was homeless and diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder, PTSD, ADD and ARFID at 35. He experienced visual, auditory and somatic hallucinations. This combination of events led Kev to attempt to take his own life by overdosing on a combination of prescription pillsToday, Kev is a singer-songwriter and mental health advocate.
Lin Bouthillier
Lin Bouthillier grew up in a very traditional household. Her father was very strict and was of the mindset that if she were to touch any boys, she had better be married. She was bullied throughout her childhood in school and sexually abused by her boyfriend. Once her father found out that she was sexually active and not married, he threw her out of the house at night in the middle of the winter in Buffalo. Eventually, she demanded her boyfriend marry her and give her a child, which he did. Her husband was a controlling man who neglected to show her any love, would force her to sign over her paychecks and did not allow her to have her own life. She would ultimately decide to try to take her life by carbon monoxide poisoning in their garage. She stopped at the last minute, because she had three dogs and did not want them have nobody to care for them.
Today, Lin is a Certified Trauma Recovery Coach. Her mission is to help trauma and abuse survivors to heal and live a life free of the constraints of trauma.
Massa was stunned. “He was probably the last person I could have imagined attempting suicide. He is six-foot-three, all muscle and covered in tattoos. Just the epitome of what you would think of as a tough, strong guy.”
The friend bravely offered to tell Massa his story on camera. “He knew it was important,” the documentarian recalls. “Survivors don’t usually talk about it, especially men. And he felt like his story might help someone.”
After posting filmed interviews online, Massa says, he was inundated with messages from other suicide survivors who reached out, volunteering to tell their stories, too.
And that is how Massa slowly began filming and sharing the stories of survivors of failed suicide attempts on his TikTok channel @mysuicidestory and his related website mysuicidestory.org. The TikTok channel where Massa’s intimate and moving interviews have amassed more than 10 million views, has more than 1.6 million followers. He is also currently writing a book about his experiences speaking with suicide survivors.
Alexandra Perkins
Alexandra Perkins had a tough childhood. Her mom was a drug addict and was in and out of her life. Her dad was in the military, which caused Alley to bounce around and attend different schools, where she was often bullied. In college Alley’s boyfriend cheated on her, which sent her into a spiral. She told him she was going to take her life, and he did nothing. She purchased bleach and aspirin and consumed those along with her psychiatric meds that she had been hoarding. She crawled into a ditch in a creek and buried herself under some branches and leaves. Eventually, when loved ones realized she was missing, her boyfriend told police what she had said. The State police searched and found her. When she was brought to the hospital, they said hypothermia had saved her life because it had shut down her body, and as a result her body did not pump the toxins through.
Today, Alley is a mental health advocate.
Mark Turnipseed
Mark Turnipseed grew up in a traditional Christian household. He was molested by his uncle several times during childhood. He knew he was gay at a young age. Once his parents learned he was gay, they sent him to a special Christian school that practiced conversion therapy. They physically abused Mark, holding him down while performing rituals with prayer. He was sent to several different types of these schools. During his stay at one, he met a boy with whom he fell in love. This was the first time Mark came to terms with his sexuality. Mark’s parents’ disapproval and other life factors led him to drug use. His boyfriend eventually died. Mark attempted to take his life by overdosing on several prescription drugs.
Today, Mark is a mental health advocate, author and six-time Ironman Triathlete.
Massa’s subjects to date have ranged from a makeup artist who tried to kill herself with a combination of bleach, aspirin and drowning to a homeless teenager from Bridgeport and a New York Times bestselling author.
“I’ve never had to twist anyone’s arm to sit down and talk once they’ve reached out. If anything, they find it cathartic,” says Massa. “The common denominator with everyone who’s reached out is the idea that telling their story might help someone.”
And as much as his intention is raising public awareness about depression and suicidal ideation, each of his poignant interviews begins with a blackened screen that contains a trigger warning as well as toll-free numbers for suicide hotlines.
“At first, I struggled with sharing some of the graphic details, and I wondered if we should cut them,” he says. “But then I came to the realization that the subject matter is just too serious to sugarcoat things.”
Matt McCain
Matt McCain’s father abused Matt and his mother, physically and mentally. The effects of this abuse would carry over into his adulthood. Eventually, he was diagnosed with rapid-cycling bipolar disorder. He turned to drugs and ultimately overdosed (this was not a suicide attempt, but just an accidental overdose). Ultimately, Matt lost hope after trying several different combinations of medication provided by his psychiatrist to treat the symptoms of his bipolar disorder. He plotted his attempt meticulously and chose to go to the weight room at his workplace early in the morning before anyone arrived. There he attempted to hang himself with his belt on one of the weight machines, but the belt snapped.
Today, Matt is an author and fine artist with three of his novels reaching the top 10 on Amazon Kindle Unlimited. His paintings can be found all around the world, from London to Las Vegas. Bar Rescue’s Jon Tafer and Alice Cooper’s Teen Youth Rock Center in Phoenix, Arizona, are among his clients.
Christopher Scott Krietchman
Christopher Scott Krietchman is a former bodybuilder in New York City. He was active in the NYC nightlife scene and began abusing substances, in particular, GHB. Although he was always partying, Christopher had constant and overwhelming feelings of isolation, abandonment and loneliness. He says that although he was in a city with 8 million people, “everyone walks past each other and doesn’t make eye contact, and that makes you feel even more alone.” Eventually, Christopher intentionally took a large amount of GHB to overdose.
Today he is a mental health advocate and the founder of the mental health organization Wellvyl.
While Massa, who works as a technology specialist at Stamford-based Lovesac, readily admits he’s not a mental health expert and has no formal relationship with any suicide prevention or mental health organizations, he has been struck by the commonalities in his docuseries’ subjects.
“It’s been remarkable how many people that I’ve talked to have experienced some kind of trauma as a child. In a lot of cases, it’s been molestation,” Massa says. “And the other thing I’ve heard, again and again, is that no matter how determined someone was to end their life, as soon as they really tried, there was almost immediate regret.”
Another consistent thread in their stories is one that friends and family of those suffering from depression should heed: “They worked really hard to mask their pain. They often tell me their loved ones had no idea how bad things had gotten. They are hellbent on carrying their plans out and don’t want anyone to try to stop them.”
That commonality in his survivor subjects, along with their remarkable ability to rebuild their lives in the aftermath of their suicidal despair, has convinced Massa his ongoing passion project matters.
“With my camera, I’m helping people speak their truth, and I have found there is real value in it for them and hopefully, for other people,” he explains. “It went from something I thought was fascinating and important to something that has become an obligation. As long as people want to talk, I want to tell their stories.” mysuicidestory.org
