Michael Becker
For many, a new year brings a reckoning, “an evaluation of where we are and of things we might want to change,” says Michael Becker, a mediator and attorney in Westport. Here in lower Fairfield County, that includes this: New Year’s resolution divorces.
Once the holidays end and the kids return to school, it’s not unusual for an unhappy spouse to decide it’s time; their relationship has gone as far as it can, and it’s time to make a change.
The emotional whiplash of divorce seems daunting enough. Add to that sorting out custody issues and finances, and the task—and cost—can seem insurmountable.
Enter the divorce mediator, whosemandate is to craft a fair, legally enforceable, confidential agreement unique to the couple’s needs.
Becker, a founding director of the Connecticut Council for Nonadversarial Divorce, has worked as a divorce mediator for more than 30 years. When he began, splitting spouses each hired their own attorney to battle for every cent and consideration, a practice that continues today. It’s an expensive war to wage. The average cost of a divorce ranges from $15,000 to $20,000, according to the National Association of Divorce Professionals, and contested divorces can cost six figures.
Instead of taking sides, a mediator works for the couple, brokering what is hopefully a civil, safe negotiation between parties who, though they might not like each other, agree to trust the process. “The focus is on agreement making, not on all the warfare or the chess game of court,” says Becker, whose Master’s degree in marriage and family therapy can help parties feel heard. “It’s more human and humane.”
First, a mediator listens, which can be a welcome change in a sea of contention. Once spouses identify issues to resolve, they gather data and create a plan to move forward. In the discovery phase—whether in mediation or in court—each party fills out a Connecticut Financial Affidavit listing their current and anticipated wealth, from investment accounts to real estate to pensions, salaries and trusts—which they swear to be true. Purposely misrepresenting this information is a felony punishable by prison.
Inevitably, one spouse will know more about the couple’s financial situation than the other due to “the natural division of labor” that happens with couples, Becker says. “When you come home from the honeymoon, it’s not like there’s a checklist that says who’s going to walk the dog,” Handling the money lands in that list of tasks, making financial education of the other partner an essential part of mediation. “A person can’t engage in conversations until they understand what’s going on. It will help them be more satisfied going in.”
How couples split their assets and debts, and how they’ll allocate those in the future can prove divisive. The high cost of living in lower Fairfield County makes matters worse. One spouse in a recent mediation case wanted to keep their house—complete with pool and tennis court.
It had appreciated so much, though, that the spouse would have received far less money. Plus, the annual property taxes alone ran in the tens of thousands of dollars.
“I wanted to reveal for them all the information that they would need—the ‘tale of the tape,’” Becker says. “The worst thing would have been to take the house and default on the mortgage.”
This knowledge led the spouse to make peace with selling the house. When each party feels empowered in the decision-making—versus being ordered to do something by a court—there’s more buy-in, Becker says. Plus, clients can always hire their own attorney to review agreements.
Mediation agreements are legally binding, just as if they were reached in court. Unlike with court-decided divorces, though, details remain private, making the process increasingly popular with high-net-worth and high profile couples. “I’ve done a lot of $20-$30 million-plus cases and one that was $100 million. Very often the wealthy come for privacy,” Becker says.
Conversely, on any given day in court, gawkers can sit and watch divorcing couples air their dirty laundry then suffer through how to divvy it up.
Find Those Figures
Whether or not you plan to enlist a mediator to shepherd you through your divorce, taking “small, steady steps now” to help you understand your finances can help you feel less overwhelmed, Becker says. “The more organized you are, the more empowered your choices will be.” Before you mention divorce, start collecting copies of your important financial documents—bank statements, tax returns, investment statements, debt information—one piece at a time. “Each document brings you closer to planning your financial future with clarity, confidence and control.”