above: Photographs (top & bottom left) by Bob Cappazo, (top & bottom right) Chi Chi Ubina for Fairfield County Look
It was more than twenty years ago that Deborah Royce and Christina Vanderlip, longtime Greenwich residents, put their heads together and came up with a novel idea for a charity luncheon based on an event they knew about in Palm Beach. Called the Old Bags Luncheon, its mission was simple—raise money for the town’s Family Services program by auctioning off gently-used and new handbags. The two women were on the board of the Greenwich YWCA at the time, and they’d been tasked with finding new ways to fundraise. “We were leading the charge to create a fundraiser that would support the really extraordinary domestic abuse facilities there and the staff,” Deborah recalls.
“We knew we couldn’t just have another luncheon,” Christina says. “It had to be unique, and it had to be really compelling. We knew that the Y’s domestic abuse services received thousands of calls a year. We were shocked at how busy it was and realized they needed and deserved the spotlight.”
The Old Bags Luncheon hit all the right notes. “The play on words, light and festive and fun for a very serious cause,” says Deborah. “I met with the woman who created the original event, and the Y bought the franchise rights. Then we really made it our own.”
The two friends enlisted help from a core group of women to pull together the town’s first Old Bags Luncheon in May 2005. They had plenty of benefit-planning experience and knew their demographic. “No one wants to come to a lunch that is all doom and gloom,” says Christina. “We needed to make it a joyful experience so that people would want to come back.”
And come back they have—year after year. May will mark the event’s 20-year anniversary. Traditionally held at the Belle Haven Club, it has become the cornerstone of the spring luncheon circuit, raising more than $10 million in the process. It is also the Y’s biggest annual fundraiser. “The OBL is profoundly important in terms of financial support and creating awareness,” says Mary Lee Kiernan, YWCA president and CEO. “After every single luncheon, we get a bump in calls to our hotline and people literally coming forward to talk to the speaker or talk to the staff to disclose their own experience of abuse or a friend or family member’s.”
HEEDING THE CALL
The YWCA established its domestic abuse support services in 1981 after a majority of respondents to a United Way survey said it was an issue that needed to be addressed. For years, the program operated on a shoestring budget. The focus then—as it is now—was to support clients while they explored their needs and safety concerns and to give them a safe space to make the best decisions for themselves and their families. Over the years, that focus has grown and expanded.
Today, the Y’s program (rebranded the Harmony Project in 2023, when it folded in sexual assault services) helps nearly 700 people—mostly women—annually. Its staff of 14 certified counselors, many of whom are bilingual, provides an array of services from a 24/7 crisis hotline and temporary housing to legal and financial services. (See sidebar, page 82) “Our aim is to continue adapting to the needs of anyone who comes to us for help,” says Jessie DiMuzio, Director of Harmony Project Programs.
Those needs encompass a wide spectrum. Domestic violence is the town’s No. 1 violent crime, with the police conducting more than 200 family violence criminal investigations annually. “That’s the tip of the iceberg,” says Mary Lee. “We know there are many in the community who have not come to us for help or called the police.”
Domestic abuse comes in different forms—from verbal and emotional to financial, sexual and physical. While it can follow a similar pattern, each survivor’s experience is unique. “The cycle of violence theory by Dr. Lenore Walker [a psychologist specializing in domestic violence] describes a common course that can take place in many domestic violence relationships,” says Jessie.
This includes the honeymoon phase, when a future domestic abuser often puts their partner on a pedestal and may engage in behavior that’s described as “love bombing.” Over time, an abusive partner typically begins to assert power and control through coercion as well as emotional and verbal abuse—limiting who their partner can see and talk to, criticizing what they wear, accusing them of cheating and other gradually escalating behaviors.
The abusive partner strategically chooses to increase their aggression as a way to demonstrate the need to comply. This might include physical violence, screaming and throwing things. A de-escalation phase follows, in which some might express remorse or try to atone for their actions with extravagant gifts. Or it may just be a period when the violence lessens or goes into a neutral period.
Each time the cycle repeats itself, the phases intensify. It can take time for abuse to manifest, and by the time someone realizes what is happening, they may be so deeply enmeshed in the relationship that getting away from their perpetrator can feel daunting—if not impossible.
“We have clients who earn six-figure salaries. And they are just as vulnerable as those who live in public housing,” says Jessie. “Domestic violence happens to all types of people from every walk of life.”
The pandemic was a tipping point for at-risk individuals. “It was extraordinary in terms of the number of calls to the hotline and the complexity of the cases,” says Mary Lee. In a “normal” year, the Y’s hotline gets 3,800 calls. The peak during the pandemic was 7,000. At the same time, there was a significant drop in walk-ins. Since then, they are back to pre-pandemic levels.
“Families were cooped up together, and there was very little privacy. Some clients called from a car or a closet,” says Jessie. “Or they would wait for their partner to be on a Zoom call.” Children paid a high price, too. “They were suffering more being at home all the time where domestic violence was present,” she says. “And they weren’t socializing as well.”
As a result, the Harmony Project has since doubled down on community outreach. Staff members speak to local school children on such topics as dating violence. They also provide educational workshops for local businesses, including hair salons. And they work with the local police, who are usually the first responders when a crisis call comes in.
“We know abusive relationships don’t start out this way,” says Jessie. “If on a first date, one partner said to the other, ‘Hey, this is going great. In a few months, I’ll start preventing you from leaving the house when you want, control what you wear, take your paycheck,’ there would be no second date.”
Such was the case for one former client, who came to the YWCA five years ago. Grace was a successful business executive who had married in her early twenties. Her now ex-husband was a well-respected, even venerated member of the community where they lived. (Her name has been changed for the story, and the details of her living arrangements kept private out of concern for her safety.) “If you’d told me on the day I married that I would be living in fear for my life a few years down the road, I would have said you were crazy,” she says.
The abuse was subtle at first. Mostly verbal slings and arrows. Then came the physical. “He slapped my face during an argument,” she recalls. “I had told myself if he ever hit me I was out of there.” But when he turned up the next day with flowers and apologies and promises to never do it again, she forgave him.
Then things got worse. Even though she was the sole breadwinner, he used intimidation to keep her in her place. “He’d start a fight that I could never win. I always used to acquiesce to whatever it was he wanted to do,” she says. If they had plans with friends, he came up with a list of talking points. After each social encounter, he insisted on a debriefing, so she could praise his participation in the gathering and he could point out all her mistakes. These could go on into the night.
“It got to the point that we stopped seeing our friends,” she says. “It was too stressful.” Her world—their world—got smaller and smaller. She felt isolated and alone. The physical abuse escalated. He would push her against the wall, threaten to get her fired—or worse. After every incident, she promised herself she would try harder, just a little harder to please her husband.
“People will often say ‘Why don’t they just leave?’ It’s a common question. The better question is, Why does their partner think it’s OK to hurt them?” says Jessie. That’s because leaving is complicated. “Sometimes the victim is married with children. She may be financially dependent on her abuser. She may fear for her children’s safety,” says Mary Lee. On average, it takes a victim seven tries before they are able to successfully leave.
And when they do? “Often, that is the time of greatest danger,” she adds.
ON THE FRONT LINES
According to the most recent statistics compiled by the Connecticut Coalition Against Domestic Violence, 19 people in the state (18 women and one man) were murdered by their intimate partner in 2023. The annual average is 14. The Connecticut Coalition Against Domestic Violence (CCADV) data also says victims of domestic violence are five times more likely to be killed if there is a gun in the home. “There’s this rule—unspoken or not—if I can’t have you, no one can,” says Jessie.
The Harmony Project is one of 18 organizations that receive funding from CCADV, a nonprofit whose mission is to bring awareness to what the Surgeon General has called a national health crisis. The organization serves about 40,000 people a year, a number that hasn’t increased or decreased over time, says CCADV Executive Director Meghan Scanlon. “These are people who are reporting and seeking services for help. So, we know the issue is more prevalent than that.”
The statistics are grim. According to a 2017 CDC report, almost one in two women and more than two in five men report experiencing some form of intimate partner violence in their lifetime. “It’s impacting women at a greater rate than heart disease and breast cancer combined,” says Scanlon.
For Grace, the breaking point came on a cold rainy night in April. After a particularly violent incident, she realized that if she didn’t leave her husband, he was going to kill her. She had gotten into the habit of keeping shoes by her bedside in case she had to make a quick escape. She had also gotten into the habit of disconnecting the electric garage opener so he wouldn’t be awakened by the noise. Once her husband had fallen asleep, she threw her little to-go bag into the car and pushed the car into the driveway. It was about 4 a.m., and with nowhere else to go, she headed to her office. In her purse, she found a card her therapist had given her the week before. It had the crisis hotline number on it. She never imagined she would make the call. Nor could she imagine how dramatically her life would change after she did.
It didn’t happen overnight. Years of trauma takes its toll. At one point she had a restraining order in two states. “It was five years before I could walk barefoot in my apartment,” she says. “It took me a year to stop sleeping fully clothed.”
In 2021, Grace was the keynote speaker at the OBL. And this past year, she spoke at the Y’s annual domestic awareness Candlelight Vigil. “The Greenwich Y’s domestic abuse services gave me everything,” she says. “Without them, I would not be here to talk to you today.”
For Rosa, another former client, the process of healing from years of abuse has brought her back to her first love—music. “I loved singing for others more than anything, and one day I just couldn’t sing anymore,” she says. Though naturally outgoing and gregarious, she hid the details of her husband’s abuse from her friends and family. Her life got smaller. She continued to show up for work—the only respite she had.
She remembers the day she noticed a flyer on a bulletin board. It had the Y’s number on it. That was in the fall of 2020. She ran from the hallway, overcome by fear and anxiety. Two weeks later, she peeked at the flyer, and though she still ran out of the building, something inside her had changed. While in her car on the phone with her best friend, she broke down. Her friend insisted Rosa call the Y. “This kind woman answered and said, ‘I’m going to have someone call you right back.’ And a crisis counselor did,” Rosa says. “I couldn’t believe it happened so quickly.” She refers to that moment as her divine connection. She says it started her healing journey.
“The most important thing you need to know is that you can get out and that you can change your life, and there is help, and you are strong enough because of what you survived,” Rosa says. “I am a prime example of it’s never too late.”
Old Bags, New Beginnings
Be a part of the change
The Old Bags Luncheon is held the first Thursday of May at the Belle Haven Club, but planning starts a year in advance. Among the most pressing tasks are gathering, inspecting and tagging bags—everything from handbags to golf bags.
The event starts at 11 a.m. with guests mingling upstairs to preview the collection of gently used and new silent auction bags. The live auction is held during lunch, when members of the Greenwich Police Department and GEMS model the bags (think Gucci, Prada, Chanel, Hermès) as the bidding gets underway.
During the luncheon, typically a domestic abuse survivor tells her story, but this year’s speaker is Michelle Horton, whose memoir, Dear Sister, is about her experience with her sister, a survivor of domestic abuse and her journey through the justice system. The event ends with the presentation of the Purple Purse Award. This year, Lauren Walsh, receives the award, “which is the honor of my life,” she says. ywca.org
Founder
DEBORAH ROYCE
Twenty years ago, Deborah Royce and her friend Christina Vanderlip were on the board of the YWCA and given the task of finding new ways to fundraise. During that time, they created the annual Old Bags Luncheon to benefit the Y’s domestic abuse support services (now the Harmony Project). The luncheon, which marks its 20th anniversary this May, has become the Y’s biggest annual fundraiser. Though it was modeled after the original Old Bags Luncheon first held in Palm Beach, “we really created our own take,” she says. “We created our own unique graphic and invitations and the rhythm of the event, which was a lot of fun.”
Though Deborah continues to support and attend the luncheon every year, she has long since passed the torch to a new generation of women. These days, the empty nester spends the bulk of her time writing novels, the most recent of which was Reef Road, published in 2023.
“That first year we worked on it was very uplifting. It took a year to plan, and that was a lot of fun. Over the years, there have been multiple iterations of younger and enthusiastic people, and it’s kind of cool to have played a little part in getting that going.”
Founder
CHRISTINA VANDERLIP
Cristina Vanderlip has chaired numerous charity events over the years, and she knows one thing for sure. “You can’t have an event that’s a drag, because nobody will come.” But even she was blown away by the response to the Old Bags Luncheon that first year.
“We were turning people away. The capacity at Belle Haven with a tent is 350. It was beyond our expectations. It’s a great problem to have. But you don’t want to do it.”
Though she is no longer involved in the planning process, she still attends the luncheon every year and points to the ways each co-chair and committee member puts their own spin on different facets of the event. “The displays and merchandising have been ramped up,” she says. “It’s really good.”
She says the addition of a featured speaker—a domestic abuse survivor—is another appropriate touch. “It shows that it’s possible to come out the other side.”
And then there’s the auction itself—both the live and silent. “It’s a feeding frenzy,” she says. “I have a friend who buys several of the live auction bags a year, and then she turns around and donates them back.”
Purple Purse Honoree 2025
LAUREN WALSH
As the public face of her family’s foundation, Lauren Walsh spends a lot of time working for and in the community to help foster the benefit of its philanthropic gifts. “It’s easy to write a check,” she says. “But it’s showing up and rolling up your sleeves and doing the work that is required and valuable.”
One cause that is close to her heart is the Old Bags Luncheon. The current vice chair of the YWCA board (she will step down in June) has attended every OBL since the beginning. She has been on the organizing committee for 17 years and co-chair nine times. “It’s such a powerful day,” she says. “It’s the most feel-good event I think I’ve ever been to.”
During the pandemic, when in-person events were cancelled, Lauren went to the Belle Haven Club and stood on the terrace with an orange Hermès Kelly bag and vowed that on the first Thursday of May every year she would be there for victims of domestic violence and the OBL. In 2021, she and her co-chairs organized a hybrid event, during which 70 people gathered in the ballroom at Belle Haven and committee members hosted small groups in their homes—all connected by Zoom.
Among her many contributions over the years was coming up with the Purple Purse Award. “The idea is to honor someone who has gone above and beyond for the event and the cause, without needing the notoriety but with just integrity and pureness in their heart,” she says. That sums up Lauren Walsh, this year’s Purple Purse honoree, in a nutshell.
Purple Purse Recipient 2024
ALEASE FISHER TALLMAN
In a long line of OBL co-chairs, Alease Fisher Tallman was among the first. “Deborah and Christina co-chaired it for the first three years, and they brought me, and I co-chaired for the next two with Bonnie Levinson and the late Susanne Frank,” she recalls. “Deborah and Christina had laid such a strong foundation. It was nothing but easy for me to put a tiny little icing on the cake they had baked so well.”
Among those flourishes—Alease turned the event into a hat luncheon. “It was a way to differentiate the OBL from the other important spring lunches in town,” she says. She also launched the annual handbag collection luncheon, to help ease the workload of the Y’s staff, and came up with the idea of draping different colored pashminas over each chair. As a member of the decorating committee, she and some friends baked hundreds of cupcakes topped with sugar florals to use as centerpieces.
“Flowers are a huge expense for any luncheon,” she says. Last year, Alease received the Purple Purse award in recognition of her years of service.
“I was deeply honored to be singled out by a group that does such important work,” she says. “I feel so lucky that everyone who works in the OBL keeps doing it with such passion. It thrives because it hits all the right marks.”
Purple Purse Recipient 2023
COURTNEY COMBE
Courtney Combe doesn’t much care for the spotlight. She’s happiest working behind the scenes for the causes she supports. Case in point? The YWCA’s Harmony Project and its primary source of funding, the Old Bags Luncheon.
Courtney attended the first luncheon in 2005 and shortly after was asked to join the organizing committee. She hasn’t missed a luncheon since. These days the job she enjoys most is helping with the set-up for the silent auction and selecting the high-profile bags for the auction.
If she has time, she might listen in on a committee meeting, “and put my two cents in.” But she believes strongly that the time has come for the next generation to take over.
As for what attracted her to the Old Bags Luncheon in the first place: “I wanted to spread the word. I thought it was an issue that was being overlooked in town, and in society, too.”
The self-identified “worker bee” was the 2023 recipient of the luncheon’s Purple Purse award. Her message to attendees was short and fast. “Support each other, be kind to each other. You don’t know what’s going on behind closed doors, and if you do find out someone is in trouble, help them.”
Purple Purse Recipient 2022
CINDY LEAMAN
Although she missed the first Old Bags Luncheon for reasons she can’t remember, Cindy Leaman has been to every one of them since. “I was hooked,” she says. As a former RN and current YWCA board member, she says the luncheon’s mission “filled that void in me for wanting to help people in trouble. The idea of these people being trapped in their own homes and having no voice for themselves was very upsetting.”
For Cindy, the most welcome change to the Y’s domestic abuse support services is offering services to victims of sexual assault and sex trafficking. “Now that we have both, I feel so much better that we don’t have to turn women away.”
As a former co-chair and frequent member of the luncheon’s various committees, the 2022 Purple Purse recipient is most excited about plans to add on to the existing building, which will provide Harmony Project clients with more space and more privacy.
“Right now, they are down in a tiny room. That’s where they come from. We want something better for them,” she says. “It’s a testament to the staff that they have been able to create opportunities for these women in difficult facilities.”
Portraits by Bob Capazzo
Help Is Here
YWCA Greenwich has been serving victims of domestic abuse for more than forty years. Responding to the needs of the community, the Harmony Project at YWCA Greenwich provides the following free services to victims of domestic and sexual violence and their children:
A 24/7 hotline 203-622-0003
Crisis Intervention, including safety planning
Emergency shelter for at-risk individuals and those who are in fear for their lives
Individual and group counseling for adults, teens and children
A civil legal clinic with lawyers who work pro bono to help victims navigate the court system—whether they are filing for divorce, claiming financial assets or petitioning for an order of protection
Victim advocacy at Stamford Superior Court, a service unique to the Harmony Project, with an advocate on hand to go to court on a victim’s behalf
An FVVA (Family Violence Victim Advocate) meets with clients before and after each court appearance
Sustainability service, including housing and financial empowerment to ensure a survivor’s long-term independence
The work doesn’t stop there, however. The Harmony Project sponsors violence prevention programs, which are offered through local schools and businesses. It also offers training programs to its partner organizations, the Greenwich Police Department, GEMS and Greenwich Hospital.